These aren’t a few of my favorite things, with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein

With apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein and Julie Andrews, I offer this holiday song:

Eggnog from soy milk and pumpkin-mint lattes
Christian carols sung by young hipster totties
Renditions of this song, remixes too
These are the things that make holidays blue

Children awakening before 6:30
Baking and cooking in kitchens so dirty
Wanting to kill due to your sweater’s hue
These are the things that make holidays blue

Peace on earth if I don’t first run you over
Mall parking backed up to Interstate clover
Uncles fill toilets with juice of Skoal chew
These are the things that make holidays blue

Electric tree lights just won’t stop their buzzin’
The hottest girl here had to be my cousin
Now they all want to take a pic or two
These are the things that make holidays blue

When my kids whine
When my wife screams
When I’m feeling mad
I simply remember not-so-fav’rite things
And then I don’t feel so glad

(c) 2012 Colin Foote Burch